Out of Whack

That is what my life is right now. Things have gotten much better but I am not used to this new lifestyle. I am not yet comfortable in this new skin. Living with my Dad is something I have not done since I was 18. It is almost as if the last 12 yrs of my life was a dream. The hardest part of the week is when I come "home" to be with the kids and I see her. Its awkward. Its like we are total strangers who happen to have kids together. The sad part in all this is that I know we are doing the right thing. I am beginning to discover, rather slowly, who I am. I can be myself. So although the road ahead still provides a lot of questions, I have my head up high with lots of support from family and friends.


Till next time, Happy 4th.

Ouch

Today hurt. As the emotional high that I have been on starts to dwindle, I return to my normal state of mind. I can literally feel the pain, sorrow and loss in the pit of my stomach. I could not help but think of our wedding. It was a beautiful day, a happy day. I picture her walking down the aisle with her mother afraid to look at me because she knows she will cry. Meanwhile, I am weeping like a little school girl. What has happened? We had such big dreams. This was the person I was going to grow old with, raise children together and become grandparents with. Now, I hopelessly think of a future with uncertainty. Could I really find love like that again? How do you start over? Boy does it hurt.

Tomorrow is the day we tell our oldest daughter. I choked up every time I looked at her today. What do I say? How do I tell her that I will not be there every night to tuck her in, read her a Dr Seuss book, brush her teeth and talk about her day with? I already lied to her. I told her I was going away for work this week. She asked why and told me to make sure I tell Mommy. I really wish I can fast forward time, I know it will get much worse before it gets better. Meanwhile, I sleep on my Dads couch during the week then be with the girls on the weekends.

I am not sure I truly grasp all this yet. Though reality is slowly kicking in, I am still in denial.

Update

Life can sure throw curve balls. The women I loved since I was 14. My high school sweetheart, the women I have been married to since 2002, the women I created 2 beautiful children with, will no longer be my wife as we have made the painful decision to divorce. Denial is what I am going through right now, but slowly all the good memories are starting to hit me like a ton a bricks. Shit that I have forgotten about is making its way to the surface. There was no infidelity on either of our parts but an acceptance that their are irreconcilable differences that we have tried many times to fix. We are trying to be civil through this to make it as easy as possible, considering, for the kids.


Besides that, life is pretty good. Harsh at times, but I am still breathing and am able to enjoy the here and now. As far as faith goes, its not there and I am quite certain it never was. The desire was legit, but I never was truly there. Belief in a God? In that sense, I would consider myself a hopeful (or rather wishful) agnostic. I have accepted that for many months now and for the first time in my entire adult life, I am fine and comfortable in my own skin. Its comforting to think of a God out there and up there, it would be nice if that were the case, but I do not believe it.

Blogging is a good tool to get things off my chest, so I will continue to do so even if I am the only viewer of my words. Its therapeutic. As you can imagine, lots of thoughts running through my head so sorry If I am all over the place.

Talk to you soon.

....stay tuned.

....normal writing to resume shortly. More questions and seeking to follow.

Still alive

still kicking.

My Money, Your Money

It's nice to know that my tax dollars are being put to "good" use.

I didn't think it would be this quick that I would despise something the President has done.

The Cult of Wal-Mart

They could take over the world if they wanted to.


Just let the page load and watch the growth of Wal-Mart since its inception